


I Was So Sure

by Lt_Eye



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Character Death, Cognitive Dissonance, Gen, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sad, Sad Ending, Sad Harry, Trigger Warnings, this is not a happy story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-29
Updated: 2015-12-29
Packaged: 2018-05-10 02:42:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5566243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lt_Eye/pseuds/Lt_Eye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Breathe. That’s what they’re telling me, but I just don’t know how.”<br/>Or the one where Louis dies and Harry can't deal. One-Shot Songfic</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Was So Sure

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys, this is my first story published here on AO3. I became a 1D fan back in December 2014, then fell in love with Harry and Louis’s love. One year later, here I am trying to write my first fanfic for them. This is actually a new year resolution for me. I told myself I would write a fic in 2015 and now that the year is almost over, I’ve finally forced myself to start and finish one.
> 
> Also in case you’ve missed the tags, THIS IS NOT A HAPPY STORY. THERE’S NOT A HAPPY ENDING!!! I would personally never read a story like this but if you can stick through it, I hope you enjoy. 
> 
> Title and story based on song I Was So Sure by Former Vandal 
> 
> Song lyrics in italics
> 
> Disclaimer: I am not affiliated in any way with One Direction. This work is purely fiction. The lyrics are also not mine.

_The morning after_

When one's world ends, it’s not a gradual thing, it’s sudden and abrupt and leaves you feeling weightless, gasping for breath.

_“Breathe.”_  
_That’s what they’re telling me._  
_But I just can’t calm down._

He could see Niall speaking and pulling him into a hug but it all felt so far away. Like he was a spectator to the world around him, unable to focus on reality or make out words. But just like that everything came back into focus and noise rushed back in.

“Slow breaths Harry, just take it slowly…” “Hmm...I’m sorry Niall, what-- earlier, what were you saying?” He asked as Niall he exchanged worried looks with Liam over his head. Not that Liam seemed to be doing any better.

He should have turned them away when they showed up at his door this morning and Louis was still missing. If he had known what they would bring, he would have never had let them in.

“Please, say it again. I don’t think I quite heard you” He whispered, feeling as if he gave into the despair that was threatening to take over, all of this would be real. For now he could believe he was stuck in a feverish nightmare, his hangover causing him to have nightmares. He was still in bed, passed out, waiting for Louis to come home.

He felt a surge of affection for Niall, who with his sunny disposition who hated any kind of bad news or tension had taken it upon himself to deliver the news to Harry. “The truck driver, he lost control of the wheel, yeah?” He spoke slowly as to make sure Harry got it the second time.  
“He hit Louis in a head on collision and died on impact. But Tommo, he--” Niall’s voice took a watery tone and Harry didn’t think he could handle it if Niall had started to cry too.

Whatever strength Niall needed to continue, he found it and continued.

“He survived the crash. They said it was weak, his heartbeat, but on the table… He died on the table. The shock and injuries were too much.” Niall stopped as the grief finally took over. Harry nodded as if he understood. He could see Liam crying and could feel Niall sobs as he held him but this was just a dream and he wanted to wake up.

“I think I want to be alone now.” He said gently as he peeled Niall off and walked back to his room. Maybe if he could go back to sleep, he could wake back up again and start this day over.

\---

_Six days after_

Before today, he had never actually been to a funeral. A grandparent had died when he was younger but he couldn’t really remember it.

_Grieve._  
_I know know it’s what I need._  
_But I just don’t know how._

He would always remember today.

It’s been six days since Louis left, six days since he’s been outside his room. It was strange to think that the world kept on turning and he was just stuck... waiting.

And people kept offering condolences and he wished they would stop.

His phone was full of messages and voicemails of condolences. He didn’t bother with them.

Even Zayn had shown up that first day, no one concerned with appearances anymore. His mother, Gemma, and Robin had shown up not too long after Zayn. Everyone wanted to talk and kept asking him if he was okay. He only wanted to talk to Louis.

He didn’t want to deal with the grief outside of their bedroom. If he stayed in their room, he could pretend that Louis was just keeping up appearances, that he was in LA keeping up the latest stunt. So he shrugged off their worried looks and words and locked himself in their room. The room was safe and still smelled like Louis. He’d be back soon no matter what their last words to each other were.

He didn’t want to be involved in the funeral and had let Jay handle the arrangements, declining to speak. If he could have avoided coming altogether, he would have but here he was attending his first funeral.

He was sat in front row next the immediate family. He would have prefered the back or better yet, home. Two more days would mark the longest he and Louis had gone without seeing each other in person.

\---

The funeral was a private event. Only the people who knew Louis personally were allowed in. Even in her grief, Jay had done a spectacular job. He doesn’t know how he would have planned it. Planning for a funeral was never a factor when they planned for their future. He didn’t know what flowers or casket Louis would prefer. Maybe he wanted to be cremated but he couldn’t ask Louis that now. Mostly because Harry refuses to charge his phone and call. He doesn’t want to get Louis’s voicemail.

Outside the church, thousands of fans and reporters are standing in silence. At the burial site, it starts raining. It was befitting that the sky would cry on this day. And as the casket was being lowered down, Harry realized that the last thing he saw of Louis was his back as he stormed out the door.

He doesn’t think he can stop the whole procession just to ask to see how Louis looks. Especially since it was his only request that it be a closed casket. If he never saw the body, he could still pretend Louis wasn’t in there. But on the other hand, he didn’t think Louis would go this far for a joke. Maybe the whole world was in it on it. If anyone could do it, he supposed it could be Louis. Harry would forgive him immediately if that was the case.

\---

_2 month after_

_‘Haz… Hazza.. you did this to him. All he wanted was a night in and you just had to go out.’ ‘No, I…’_

_All these voices get so loud._  
_But they still can’t drown the sound,_  
_of me knowing this is all my fault._

“Harry… Harry…wake up Harry,” Real life mingled with his nightmares. He wished whoever was calling his name would shut the blinds. The light was too much.

Besides there shouldn’t be anyone in his room. That was the point when he disappeared, leaving a few weeks after the funeral, to a small unknown island where no one could find him. But the voice was getting louder and it wasn’t the usual repetition of the mantra that Louis’ death was his fault. He opened his eyes and saw Niall smiling down, and immediately closed them again. It’s not that he never expected to be found. He just thought he had longer.

“Oh Harry, you’re gonna be okay. Old Nialler is here.”

“Niall… please...go.. just go away….” His voice scratchy with disuse.

He would have rather drink himself into oblivion than face the voices in his head.

\---

_3 months after_

“Harry...How'd you sleep last night?” Understanding he had to be here did not make it any easier. “Not well ...umm..I don’t sleep”, he replied eventually as he twisted the rings on his left hand.

Sitting in the high rise office, he watched as the world continued below. He was jealous of its ability to move on. Seemed like everyone had.

“Talk to me about Louis. You must miss him.” His therapist was a nice lady but he didn’t want a nice lady, he want to go back to that day and stop Louis from leaving. Ignoring her, he stared ahead at the clock on wall. There was still thirty minutes left. His life these days was a dull repetition of fake smiles and sessions. At the end of the hour, he would walk out the door, smile at Liam and convince him that the sessions were working.

_Scream._  
_my words are failing me._  
_When did we become so numb?_

“You've been through a lot, Harry. And I think maybe it's hard for you to admit that you need more help than most people. You think somehow it diminishes you. It doesn't...Sometimes bad things happen to good people, and I'm sorry about that, but you are not out of that darkness yet. You're just running from it.”

He hadn’t run far enough if he had still been found after all. “But, Harry... You got to stop running sometime.You deserve to have a normal life.” He waited patiently as she finished with her usual spiel.

He didn’t have a reply for her besides the usual _I’m fine_ which she wouldn’t take so he turned his attention back to the window.

“Harry, do you feel responsible for this?”

It had started drizzling outside and as he watched one small drop trail down, gaining momentum as it joined with other drops on its path, he felt his heart start racing and noticed small trembles in his hands.

He swallowed past the lump in his throat and breathed slowly to unwind his chest. “Why would you ask me that?”

“Because I know you.” She didn’t but it was nice that she thought she did. But the thing is, he did feel responsible, knows it's his fault even if no one will say so.

“Why’d you leave Harry?” she asks when the previous question doesn’t get answered. He shrugged and got a pointed look for his effort.

“I just...I just got tired of people wanting to talk about it. I got tired of sleeping 15 hours a day. I got tired of that apartment. And I got tired of running into old friends and seeing the polite grin on their face because they didn't know what to say or how to say it. So I left.” She nodded as though she understood, satisfied with his answer.

“Let's talk about Louis. What happened the day that he died?” Harry glared at her. “We've already talked about this.” “Actually, no, we haven't. Not without you leaving or, changing the subject. Now, you've been willing to talk about anything up until that day, anything after that day, but not the day itself. Come on, Harry. We have to at least try…”  
Harry sighed. There was only really one thing to be said.

Harry wasn’t there when Louis died. No, he was out partying and couldn’t be arsed to pick up the unknown number. So Louis died alone, scared and in pain, in a random hospital surrounded by strangers.

_Please,_  
_don’t tell me anything._  
_the past can’t be undone._

\---

_The night before_

“Lou, I just don’t get why you’re so mad about this, it’s not that big of deal. And stop walking away.” Harry demanded. Louis loved to storm away from a fight that wasn’t going his way.

“The point is Haz, that we only have a few days before I’m scheduled to fly out. I would love to spend some more bloody time with the person I love.” He said crossly. Harry would have loved to the night with Louis too but this was an important event for a friend and he had RSVPed months ago.

“Ok, well then I can pop in really quickly to make an appearance. I’ll be gone for two to three hours tops.” Harry tried to compromise.

“Harry, this will be the longest stretch of time we’ll have together before we’re separated again. You know how these next few months will be.”

“But Louuu, after it we’ll be free to do whatever we want. I promise I’ll be quick.”

“Fine, have fun, I’ll go out too. Don’t wait up.” He grabbed his keys and wallet, walked out slamming the door behind him.  
Harry sighed and ruffled his hair. Louis could be so infuriating sometimes. But he finished getting dressed refusing to let Louis ruin his night. They would laugh about it in the morning anyways.

\---

 _7 months after_  

When he gets to Louis’ grave, he doesn’t really know what to say. He hasn’t seen Louis for seven months now.

“Hi Louis,” he starts off slowly, “Sorry that I haven’t come by since the funeral, but I just couldn’t... You know from the second I heard those words, "Louis’ dead" my heart sank. I couldn't move. I couldn't think. And now that I've managed to at least move, all I can think about is one moment we shared years ago. Over and over, that same insignificant moment repeats in my head. I-I can't tell you why---

It was the Take Me Home tour, during the North America leg. I think we were in Texas. We had just finished a concert. The other lads had gone out but you said you weren’t feeling well so I suggested a movie and insisted on at least having your favorite ice cream. You remember this? When I brought back mint chocolate chip and you asked why I thought that was your favorite, I was so confused. Any time we had gotten ice cream together, that's what you always chose. But... you told me rocky road was your favorite. And you looked at me so tenderly, Louis, and you said you always chose mint chocolate chip because you knew it was my favorite flavor.

_I was so sure_  
_But I fell short_  
_I thought I'd stand tall, and shake the ashes off,_  
_I told myself that I could be strong_  
_I was so sure_

And it occurred to me that we still had so much to learn about each other and since then, Louis, I've learned about the wonderfully selfless, humble, strong person you are. I can't bear the thought that you'll never come home again, that I'll never learn something new about you again, never experience your selflessness, your love, your warm touch again, Lou.... please… Have we really had our last conversation? Our last kiss?”

It wasn’t til a teardrop had hit his hand that he realized he was crying. It was startling because he hadn’t cried in seven months yet here he was on verge of sobbing.

\---

_1 year after_

_We're still too young, this is too much_  
_I was naive and out of touch_  
_I was so sick of always needing saved_

He’d been staring at the bottle for the last five minutes. The small white bottle sat innocuously, seemly mocking him. He felt his body trembling, heart racing, and noise falling away.

 _I’m fine_ , he repeated over to himself. Today was a good day. He had visited Louis’s grave and spent the day with Lou's friends and family. They’d gathered at Jay’s house together to relive and talk about their favorite memories with Louis. He had made the effort to talk, to be social.

People had stayed until it was late. He had declined offers to go out to a pub and after helping Jay tidy up, he had declined the offer to stay the night.

 _I’m fine_ , he repeated. But the shakes continued and the pills seemed better and better. He wasn't fine. He hated nights the most. After a year, it still wasn’t any easier to ignore the voices. They quieted during the day as he tried to keep busy. But at night, they were just as loud ever.

He stared at his reflection. His face had become tired and unfamiliar over the past year. One good day didn’t seem to make up for the countless of bad days. He stared at the pill bottle. _Today was a good day_.

_“Breathe.”_  
_That’s what they’re telling me,_  
_but I just don’t know how._

Pouring out a handful of pills, he took them and laid down to sleep.

\---

end

**Author's Note:**

> This hurt me too... I actually don't know if Harry lives or not at the end.
> 
> SN: Harry's conversation at Louis's grave is modeled after Haley's to Nathan on One Tree Hill.
> 
> Thanks for reading


End file.
